EFF my life!

...my stupid effing life. (this story would look shorter if the spacing was different so don't let that scare you TOO much)

so i just got done telling this story to a friend... and i decided to share it with all of you... so you all can see how ironic my life is... (actually you're not going to really see the irony in it like i do, most likely... but you'll see the reason for the "eff my life") ... if it seems choppy its cause i copy/pasted it out of a chat so bare with me.

the other day i left work. on my way home i was 2 cars behind this mini-van

they slowed to a stop with their left turning signal on, right?

and the car in front of me passes them on the right side, on the shoulder... you know... like normal people do

so i start to do the same thing and all of a sudden the van jerks RIGHT and the suddenly STOPS...

so now i have 3 options.

1. swerve into the left hand lane to avoid a collision

2. try to pass them on the right anyway even though that MIGHT either a. result in me going up the hill a bit and flipping b. HITTING the hill and totaling my car c. hitting their van cause now its on an angle or d. making it through fine.

3. slamming on my breaks and HOPING i dont rear end them

ok so option 1 was out immediately.

not really keen on the whole jumping into oncoming traffic idea especially since i couldn't see (or didnt have time to look) if anyone was coming

i thought about option 2 for a hot second but all the negative sub-options outweighed the postive.... so scratch that

so i SLAMMED on my breaks and thought to myself "oh jesus are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

(pretty awesome though process for a literally .02 second decision, no? ALLLL of that went through my head before i hit the break and it only took me half a second to do so)

so anyway after "are you fucking kidding me" i bumped the back of their car... they started moving right away which makes me think they saw it coming and TRIED to move out of the way, but they were in no way fast enough

so now im sitting in my car going (this time a prayer not a curse) "Jesus will you PLEASE cut me a fucking break" (jesus will forgive me for swearing, i was stressed)

because NOW.....

im VERY much aware of the fact (actually i was half aware of this while hitting the break, but i didnt have time to FULLY think of it until i found out if i was gonna hit or not)

..... im very aware of the fact that i DON'T have my insurance card in the car AND im driving with a 2-week expired license.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

so anyway...

they pull forward so we're not in the intersection anymore

and i back up so IM not anymore

and they get out of their van... an indian couple from out of state.

im sitting in my car looking desperately for my phone just in case i have to call home for someone to pull up my insurance or.... i dont even fucking know, i just knew i might need it for SOMETHING.

took me a minute to find that since it flew out of my lap. then i fished around my glove compartment PRAYING that MAAAAAAAYBE i DID remember to print out my insurance card some where along the way..... to no avail

and i thought about grabbing my license but then this little voice in my head said, "wait a minute... don't grab anything... maybe... JUST maybe they wont... you know.... care...."

so i sat up and they're staring at my car, not moving

i dunno WHAT they were wating for

obviously THEY weren't going to make the first move.

so i get out and walk up to them and go "are you guys okay?"

"yes"

then they ask "are you okay?"

"im fine."

awkward pause as i finish my approach

"so uh...... you guys had your left turning signal on and you went right................."

all of a sudden this woman launches into this defense about nto knowing which way they were supposed to go... they though left, but it was right... and she goes "well you saw how that one car passed me...." and i said "yeah... they PASSED you cause you were going LEFT.... and IIII was gonna pass you TOO cause you were going LEFT!"

and she goes "but i turned my right signal on... see!" and she points to her right blinker.....

at which point i say "no... your 4-WAYS are on..... SEE?" and i point to her left blinker

and she shoots a look at her husband and goes "you turned them all on?!" and he goes "yeah, we had to pull over..."

and i said "it doesnt matter... even if you DID turn on your right signal, you did it AS you were moving... there was no way in hell i would have had enough time to see the change and i still woulda hit you either way."

the who time her husband is agreeing with me and she finally gives up and he goes "well theres no damage to our car... just a little scratch but we dont care"

and they're looking at my car... which has damage from a previous accident which is what they were looking at horrified.... and i said "my car is fine... that thing on the hood is from something else"

and he goes "okay... well.... awkward pause ........ we're good."

"yep.... me too"

"okay"

"okay"

nods

"have a good day."

i RUN to my car, jump in and drive away

phew

...

now wait

im not done yet..............

lmao

here's the FUCKING KICKER

i was on my way to work this morning.

same fucking street jsut further up

the off ramp is one of those weird ramps that put you almost paralell to where you're going so you almost have to look back behind you to see oncoming traffic in your lane (at least i do... i dont trust my mirror for that)

so... 2 cars ahead of me pulls out

and the car directly ahead of me follows

and i turn back to look at the oncoming traffic as the car ahead of me pulls out

and when i see im clear i step on the gas and BAM

immediate though as my cheek hits my steering wheel BEFORE i turn my head to look "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! *AGAIN*?!"

and i look... sure enough... the car in front of me had NOT ACTUALLY pulled out.

i never turned back around to make sure they were ACTUALLY gone

great.

same thing as before... get out of our cars... my car is fine.. their car may or may not have a few scratches

they're kids this time

probably younger than me

she calls daddy

im ALREADY late for work

she tries to tell him everything is fine

i hear her say something about police and i just about SHIT myself

cause... you know... my license is expired, fuck the fact tha ti dont have my insurance card.

she gets off the phone and turns out no police is getting called cause she convinced him everythign is fine and she cant find anything really wrong with the car

BUT they want my insurance info and shit

so im like "sure"

and in my head im going "good god, you're gonna have to help me out with this one"

and i walk back to my car like i have everythign in need little filing cabinets waiting for me

and i open the glove box and i see this white paper.

NOT my insurance card.

BUT.

it was my papers from inspection last year with my information ON IT

(hallelujah)

and i did that and shit and ugh

mess dude

apparently her dad opened up a claim

got a call from my insurance company

the kids are complaining of neck pain ::rolls eyes::

dude i slammed my cheek on the steering wheel... .its not bruised... it doesnt even HURT.... i didnt HIT them that hard. i was like a foot behind them before i hit htem... it had to be like 3 mph at MOST... IF that.

but whatever

the insurance guy was nice and could tell i probably sounded a bit panicky haha

and he was like "you've got full coverage... your medical is this much and your... whatever... is this much... if she DOES end up claming the tiny little neck injury, you're gonna be fine... and their car sounds like it might only need a couple strokes of paint so... that'll end up being covered too"

in my mind (great! ... cant wait to see what my premium gets jacked to though)

::shrugs:: whatever dude.

but seriously

2 DAYS apart

accident.

fml