where art thou, my magnolia mountain?

my nerves are shot.
my patients is dead.
my temper is rampant.
Lord have mercy on me and give me the strength, the will, and the composure i need to continue. Amen.

i can't believe how incredibly worn out i am. i knew it was gonna be rough, but i didn't realize that it was gonna be THIS rough... and the thing is... physically its not hard at all. not one little bit. but it is WAY way more emotionally taxing than i could have ever imagined.

im so jaded.

im tired of fighting. im tired of not caring, and im tired of caring too much at the same time. it gets old, REAL quick.

im tired of pretending to be able to do something that i was never meant to do. look at me! i've NEVER been an even tempered person. sure, i know how to bite my tounge once in a while, but it'll come out sooner or later. ...and the later it comes out... the more intense it is.

i wanna find that place again that allows for interaction, but leaves me, happily, to my own devices at the same time. this is most definitely not that place.

ive been there before... and it wasn't even the most ideal situation, but i was happy none the less.

sure you "always have those people", but the position that ive been put in doesn't allow for me to gracefully handle "those people" the way im used to........ which is not at all. i never had to before... the way i delt with them was simply to pretend they weren't there... and i could do that because there was no required reason for me TO care whether or not they even existed.

sure, there was even that one person... that one person who....... well, now that i think about it, is very similar to a current one, albeit she was milder in ways. but as much as i loathed her presents, i never once felt traped. i schemed... i schemed a lot, for my own entertainment... maybe for a little ill-willed vengance, but never once did i feel traped. and if i wanted (and i did some times), i could just ignore her being there, and all would be fine.

i can't do that now.

and i hate it.

i hate every living, breathing second of it.

what i hate even more is that because of who i am... im being forced to keep it bottled... to bite my tounge harder... and THAT makes for a stronger reaction later, and a longer recovery time. ...and harboring animosity... that too... this is a breading ground for that.

...so very ungodly of me.

i dont know how to deal... how am i gonna make it through? ive been torn down and stripped to nothing and i feel raw and numb and... traped.

the restlessness, the lack of appetite, the sleeplessness, the butterflies and shakiness... its not just a mear annoyance anymore.

my threshold for tollerance has been crossed. it was pressed up against for a very long time, but now its finally busted wide open and overflowed and...

i wish keith were here... or i was there. i need somewhere to lay my head down and someone to hold me so tight that i can't shake when i cry. i need someone to kiss me and tell me its all okay and that it wont last long, and i need someone to wipe the tears away and love me fiercely until i finally calm.

i know he'd do that for me.

i just wish he were here.