ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Blog.

I have neglected you.

Sorry.

::deep inhale::

::holds breath::

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::deep breath in::

::slow release out::

it may... or may not... be time for another self-analyzation.

::clears throat::

I'm angry, bitter and short-tempered. I have lots of things I need to be doing and I don't do them because I don't *feel* like doing anything. I can't manage to be a functioning human being at the moment. I feel like my life is at an absolute standstill again. I feel like my degree was a waste of four years and my parent's hard-earned money. I'm having photographers feeding me pipe dreams again that I'm sitting here contemplating, full well knowing it's never going to happen, for the sheer fact that I don't have the $3,000 it would take just to get *started*... and MAYBE if I didn't already have all this debt... MAYBE I could... but I do, so I can't. Things I was excited for before, no longer interest me... Things that I was aspiring to before, anger me.

My sex drive is WORSE than dead.

I feel like my husband is beginning to resent me for that fact. And when he says he understands, I don't believe him because of the comments that follow a couple hours after the fact.

I feel stuck, and hopeless and worthless.

Saying that I have no motivation is an understatement.

I can find happiness for a few moments at a time.

Everything irritates me. I don't want to be living in this house anymore. I'm tired of being so dependent. I'm tired of not being able to make him *really* *truly* understand how I'm feeling.

My faith is being challenged.

I need something to stand on again. And I need that something to propel me forward, because if I don't start moving up and forward, it's only going to get worse from here.

Does this sound like depression?

Where in the HELL does that shit come from?! I have no real reason to be depressed... no... no, I take that back. As a worldly person, I do... I guess. But as a Christian... no.. I don't. I guess right there is the problem and the answer all in one.

Dear God,

Yeah, look at me. I'm a HOT mess again. Don't you love that? Keith certainly does... I'm having an issue I was wondering if You could help me with... I know I'm supposed to focus on You, above all else. And I know that by focusing on You, You will open up every door that I need opened for my life... granted on Your time, I understand that... but still.

But this is where I begin to have problems. I am impatient, and I'm having issues trusting right now, and I'm afraid that focusing on You will lead me no where with everything in my life that is beating me down at the moment. I know that's not true, but I'm afraid to *really* let go and do what I'm supposed to be doing. I need your help with that... and I need you to get Keith to help me with that.... and I need you to give him an abundance of understanding and patients with me...

I'm struggling and I need your help.

Love,

Emily