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Rough Around the Edges

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I can't go to a Hardware Bar sober.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

That place is just TOOOOOOOOOOOO crazy for me to handle without being in my "happy place", XD

So I spend the entire weekend with Keith and his band, and let me tell you... those poor boys! I'm SOOOO exhausted... and THEY'RE the ones that played! I can't even IMAGINE how tired they all must be!

Anyway...

Friday night, luckily by the time the show rolled around the roads had cleared up so the show was still on (although the boys did think about canceling it because, while it was close for Keith, it was far for the rest of them). They got there, got screwed out of any free drinks or half priced food like they thought they were gonna get and then played a show. The show went well and they had a pretty nice sized crowd, especially considering the weather and the fact that they're from Harrisburg and not Allentown, but there were a lot of people there, regardless.

And there was this guy there that came up to me in between sets and goes "I would like to buy you a drink." I told him that I was married to the drummer and actually had to go meet him backstage, and then he goes "Oh... well, I supposed that wouldn't be very appropriate, would it?" So I said, "Well, I guess not........." And then he goes, "We'll, if your husband is okay with it, I would still like to buy you a drink when you get back." So I said, alright and went on my merry way. I went back stage to find Keith and someone had called the band to talk to them... I'm guessing the manager, so they actually exited straight off the stage rather than coming back stage... so I went back out and got my drink, XD.

He kept asking "He won't mind, will he?" "Nah, he'll be fine."

Keith comes over and jokes with him, saying something like "Hey man, don't be f***ing making the moves on my woman!" ... which irritated me, because when he does that the guys don't realize at first that he's kidding until he gets to the "hahaha, I'm just kidding man..." part......... In any case, then this guy, who really liked them, ended up not only buying me a drink, but the whole band a shot and the night was good.

We got home INSANELY late, and then got to wake up the next morninging INSANELY early because they had a small set in Harrisburg the next morning at Ski-roundtop.

And IIIIIIIIIIII was fantastically awesome because I left my purse there. So now I'm without an ID, a phone... the debit card to our main account............... the engineer has it, and I have to pick it up... but IIIIIIIIIIIII don't have it.

...and the fact that I didn't have my ID sucked because they had a gig at the Hardware bar later that night.

They got me in by helping me load in, but I *DID* get asked for my ID by the head security guard before the first set even happened. SURPRISINGLY he was nice... I had my old non-expried ID with my maiden name on it... and that would have worked all on its own if it weren't for the hole in the magnetic strip that the DMV put in...... and I had my old SS card and my new SS card... and he goes "Welp, you're already in here so... sure."

Sweet! No waiting in the van for 5 hours for me! XD

That show was good too... lots of people were there and they were well recieved... but I just CAN'T handle that place sober. The MINDLESS stupid music they play... the "almost hookers" bartenders serving drinks and dancing on the bars....... the VOLUME every second the club is open.... There's also a whole different breed of drunkenness that happens in there... and its a REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY annoying kind.

but none the less.. it was a good show.

And then AFTER that show.................. we decided to stop in at a McDonalds because I was hungry...... and this is where we had to call the cops on someone.

We ordered our food and pulled around the corner just in time to see some dude standing in front of his SUV screaming "LETS GO BITCH! C'MON!" at a car sitting betweent he pickup windows. The dude jumped over the medium, pulled the sedan passenger side door open... we THOUGHT he was gonna pull whoever was in there out of the car, we heard a girl screaming after his arm went into the car... then he jumped back across the medium, got in his SUV, made a u-turn, stopped on his way past them again, yelled out his window "COME ON BITCH! WHAT NOW?!" and then sped off.

We called 911, gave them the color and make of the SUV, and hte license plate, what direction he went, what went down, etc etc etc.

Turns out there was a female driver and a male passenger in the car in front of us. SUV guy is presumed to be the girls either current boyfriend or ex boyfriend... the male passenger is assumed to be a friend she was with and the boyfriend got jealous... someone she was cheating with... or a new boyfriend.

Either way... SUV guy was pissed........................... and maced them both in the face (which is what was happening when we saw him reach in the car and thought he was going to pull them out...)

So yeah... cops showed up and it was all increadibly exciting.

woo!

XD

F*** YOU ALLENTOWN!

LEARN TO MOTHER EFFING DRIVE YOU DICKWADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you have no idea how much I HATE the people that drive in this freakin town.

...and bethlehem.

they're effing RETARDED there too.

>:(

True Tolerance Can Never be Fully Achieved

o·pen-mind·ed-

adj. Receptive to new and different ideas or the opinions of others.

tol⋅er⋅ance-

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

2. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own.

big⋅ot⋅ry-

1. stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.

con⋅vic⋅tion-

1. a fixed or firm belief.

Once upon a time a question was asked an biblically based answer was given. The inquirer reacted with scorn and words like "bigot", "close-minded", "bitch", "rude", and "idiot" were flung at the person who answered.

This is why the so-called tolerance movement of today angers me.

We are called by society to tolerate everything. Tolerate abortion, tolerate homosexuality, tolerate all religions... to tolerate *everything* except hate. Yet in the midst of all of this "tolerance", *hate* and *intolerance* against Christianity is steadily growing.

There was a story of a gay couple in a state that allows gay marriage who approached a pastor to marry them. They asked him to go against his religion and be...

o·pen-mind·ed-

adj. Receptive to new and different ideas or the opinions of others.

...and asked him to marry them. However, he refused to marry them because of his "religious...

con⋅vic⋅tion-

1. a fixed or firm belief.

...that homosexuality was wrong and that biblically speaking, marriage should be only between one man and one woman. So what did the couple do? Naturally, they sued the pastor for prejudice and basically behaving with

big⋅ot⋅ry-

1. stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.

Good for them for fighting for tolerance! Right?... Right????

Wait a minute...

...They sued... the pastor... because... he was... intolerant of their belief that homosexuality is not wrong and that they should be able to be wed?

... ... ... Where was the tolerance for the pastor?

"What are you talking about?! You're crazy! Tolerance for the bigot pastor?!"

Yes. Tolerance for the bigot pastor.

The pastor was accused of being close minded, (NOT receptive to new and different ideas or the opinions of others), intolerant (NOT taking a permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own), and behaving like a bigot (stubborn and completely intolerant of any creed, belief, or opinion that differed from his opinion). He was accused of having religious conviction (a fixed or firm belief).

But what about the couple? Were THEY not close-minded to the *pastors* ideas? Were THEY not intolerant of his believes because they differed from their own? Were they not bigots-completely stubborn against his Christianity?

If THEY were open minded, if THEY were tolerant, I believe the situation would have gone much differently. If THEY were tolerant, they would have left the pastor at peace and found someone *willing* to perform the marriage for them, rather than attacking the pastor.

Every force has an equal and opposite reaction.

You can't have tolerance without INtolerance. But the sad part is, that the intolerance is now being disguised as tolerance and is being justified by a large part of society. The pastor did nothing to hurt the gay couple... he simply said no to their request.

Christians are beginning to be largely persecuted and there is starting to be a large and strong reaction against the mere mention of the words Christianity, Jesus, Faith, and Prayer.

It's not like we all weren't aware that it would get to this point and continue to worsen... but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sadden us anyway.

Let's play a game called "How often will I ACTUALLY see my husband this week"

Monday- I work from 8am-5pm. He teaches from 3pm-11am. Then he went to practice at the church. I went to sleep at 1130am. He came home at one. I don't even remember him coming home.

Tuesday- I work from 8am-5pm. He has rehearsal tomorrow which means he'll be gone by 5pm and not home until AT LEAST 12am/1am... I will be asleep by then.

Wednesday- I work from 8am-5pm. He has a lesson and then has a rehearsal, which means he'll be gone by 5pm and not home until AT LEAST 12am/1am... I will be asleep by then.

Thursday- I work from 8am-5pm. I am driving to NJ to meet him and his band there for a showcase that they are playing. I'll see him as he is conversing with the bigwig and his band members... but no alone time.

Friday- I work from 8am-5pm. OH MY GOD! maybe I'll actually SEE him this night... although he will probably disappear to practice at some point.

Saturday- TBD

Sunday- Church at 11am... shower at 12/1230.

Goooooooooood... so... MAYBE I'll see him Friday. And who knows if I'll see him Saturday... Sunday looks good though.

:/

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Blog.

I have neglected you.

Sorry.

::deep inhale::

::holds breath::

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::deep breath in::

::slow release out::

it may... or may not... be time for another self-analyzation.

::clears throat::

I'm angry, bitter and short-tempered. I have lots of things I need to be doing and I don't do them because I don't *feel* like doing anything. I can't manage to be a functioning human being at the moment. I feel like my life is at an absolute standstill again. I feel like my degree was a waste of four years and my parent's hard-earned money. I'm having photographers feeding me pipe dreams again that I'm sitting here contemplating, full well knowing it's never going to happen, for the sheer fact that I don't have the $3,000 it would take just to get *started*... and MAYBE if I didn't already have all this debt... MAYBE I could... but I do, so I can't. Things I was excited for before, no longer interest me... Things that I was aspiring to before, anger me.

My sex drive is WORSE than dead.

I feel like my husband is beginning to resent me for that fact. And when he says he understands, I don't believe him because of the comments that follow a couple hours after the fact.

I feel stuck, and hopeless and worthless.

Saying that I have no motivation is an understatement.

I can find happiness for a few moments at a time.

Everything irritates me. I don't want to be living in this house anymore. I'm tired of being so dependent. I'm tired of not being able to make him *really* *truly* understand how I'm feeling.

My faith is being challenged.

I need something to stand on again. And I need that something to propel me forward, because if I don't start moving up and forward, it's only going to get worse from here.

Does this sound like depression?

Where in the HELL does that shit come from?! I have no real reason to be depressed... no... no, I take that back. As a worldly person, I do... I guess. But as a Christian... no.. I don't. I guess right there is the problem and the answer all in one.

Dear God,

Yeah, look at me. I'm a HOT mess again. Don't you love that? Keith certainly does... I'm having an issue I was wondering if You could help me with... I know I'm supposed to focus on You, above all else. And I know that by focusing on You, You will open up every door that I need opened for my life... granted on Your time, I understand that... but still.

But this is where I begin to have problems. I am impatient, and I'm having issues trusting right now, and I'm afraid that focusing on You will lead me no where with everything in my life that is beating me down at the moment. I know that's not true, but I'm afraid to *really* let go and do what I'm supposed to be doing. I need your help with that... and I need you to get Keith to help me with that.... and I need you to give him an abundance of understanding and patients with me...

I'm struggling and I need your help.

Love,

Emily

Church ★WIN!★

http://www.perrynoble.com/2009/12/14/this-sh_t-is-awesome/

Okay... since im on an internet roll here...

Update time!

Wednesday was the show with File 13 and it was FANTASTICALLY awesome. The sound dude caused quite a few headaches, but other than that... I had a ton of fun and one of my really good friends from high school came out to see me!!! So that was pretty fantastical :D

The only thing that happened was that I suffered self-inflicted whiplash (at least that's what i call it) the next 2 days... fun... fun stuff. XD

Thanksgiving was at Titi's house, and it was good. Nice... relaxing... good food... you know how it is.

Then Keith and I walked the mall on Friday and then went up to his parent's house... saw them... saw mah cat... that was nice.

Saturday................... oh yeah. spent like FIVE FREAK HOURS in a drum shop. that was not so much fun. Then keith played a show... that was a little more fun...

OOO... and we bought ... er... HE bought... these awesome memory foam pillows for him and I. It's like Heaven. :D

Got my dress back today too... apparently the key to me being happy with it is NOT putting it on.......... but that's another blog. hahaha :D

Sometimes I wish sleep weren't necesarry.

You know... it's 3:12am and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "Just go to Turkey Hill... buy a cup of coffee, or the dreaded Red Bull and pull an all-nighter..."

I mean... I might as well... I KNOW I should have been in bed hours ago, but sleep is SUCH a waste of time... the only problem is that 80% of the things that I want/need to do right now require OTHER people to be AWAKE.

Yet... I still don't *want* to sleep.

I mean... c'mon Emily... the internets will be here when you get home from the studio tomorrow... don't you want to be FUNCTIONAL for the studio tomorrow?

No. I'm just gonna be cleaning his office and doing web work... I only need to be half awake for that... If I were editing audio or helping with a session I would need to be awake...

But aren't you exhausted?

Yep.

So why don't you go to bed?

::shrugs:: I don't wanna... I dunno.

What the hell do you think is gonna happen between now and 9:00am?!

Maybe my cat will come flying through my window on a mini cat jet plane and put on a show using mice that he trained to jump through hoops... HELL if *I* know! I just don't want to go to sleep!

Emily... you have a problem.

More than one...

Not really good timing, Emotions.

You know... I'm feeling kinda insecure right now.

Why?

I dunno... No. That's a lie. I know why... I just don't want to broadcast it across internet land... So Self, please proceed to http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=22885716&blogId=519070999 to read what im talking about, without having to broadcast it to the internet world.

-Love,

Yourself.

I know its only been a week...

but i am *SO* excited to see keith tomorrow :D

i didn't get to see him last weekend... i wasn't really a fan of that.

but i get to see him THIS weekend and he's bringing his ass down HERE. haha :D

...well... for part of the time... we're going back to his place saturday some time because we have to be up where he lives for church the next morning... but... all the same...

*really excited* :D :D :D

pathetic... i know. i don't care.

im happy :D

STUPID hormones.

i think my period is putting me in a weird funk... and making me over-emotional right now.

or maybe its the weather.

ugh.

im really frustrated. i didn't see keith this weekend and it was partially my fault because im tired of always having to drive up to see him rather than him sometimes coming down to see me. so i didn't go up friday night and i skipped a show he played saturday night.

then he was supposed to come down sunday to see a show with me, but slept in because of his late night the night before and didn't make it.

then he asked me to come up to see HIM sunday night after the show b/c one of his friends invited him to a bon fire and he thought it'd be fun, but that was after i had already told some of my friends in the show i went to see, that i would hang out with them because they live in nashville, and only god knows when im gonig to get to see them next.

it was really fun seeing them but, at the same time i was kinda sad i missed out on the bon fire with keith.

then today i went to meet up with another friend from the same show... we went out for "linner" (dinner and lunch... yes i made it up)... and keith called me to ask me if i wanted to go see a show with him tonight (a band that he really likes is playing) and i told him that i would if i had enough time, but that i had to drive 30 minutes home (in the opposite direction) to show my dad where my stupid little brother's appointment was for tomorrow.

i ended up calling keith and telling him i wasn't coming because i had to be at the studio tomorrow at 1 and didn't want to get up that early to make the 1.5 hour drive from his place to the studio... and he goes "well... its not that early, but i understand"

fast-forward... my night gets cut short with billy because my dad REALLY needs me to come home and show him where this effing appointment is at cause my NINETEEN year old stupid effing brother doesn't know yet even though he's BEEN THERE plenty of times... but he just doesn't give a fuck to know and is selfish and doesn't realize how that's affecting ME... HIM not knowing HIS OWN SHIT, is affecting ME cause then IIIII have to show my dad where its at or IIIII have to take him to an appointment that turns out is the COMPLETELY WRONG building because IIIIII don't even know where its supposed to be half the time and HEEEEE doesn't either.

ITS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

eff him.

but anyway... as im driving home i get a hold of some MORE friends from that tour that happen to be in lancaster, to find out what they're doing... and they're making dinner at another friend's house and then heading back to hershey.

so now at this point i keep replaying keith saying "its not that early... but i understand" and the disappointment in his voice and the fact that i reall SHOULD have gone with him because i never get the chance to SEE a show WITH him... because he's always PLAYING in them... and this is something that he was really excited about and asked to share it with me and i was all caught up in everything else and now i wanna cry cause i just wanna be THERE WITH HIM rather than sitting here doing nothing.

and i was invited to drive back out to lebanon to billy's hotel room because the cast is having a party and i COULD go, but i dont wanna make the 30 minute drive back out there again... and im just depressed now and really really really really miss keith and really really really really wish i wasn't an idiot and just WENT with him.

and to top it all off, i ruined a pair of $90 boots that ive own for all of one week, while trying to get out of my car.

i literally think im going to cry. :(

I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me.

if this isn't a condition... then im making it one. haha

it seems like when ever im awake... i REFUSE to go to sleep... until im practically falling asleep standing up and my eyes have almost burned out of my eye sockets...

...but when im asleep... i REFUSE to get up. ... im like... in denial that its morning... or that im even alive. i just wanna crawl back into my hole and stay there forever and ever amen.

what shall we call this condition?

i dunno. what do you think?

never been angrier.

today... i got stopped by a cop... on my way home... from my aunts house... who lives 5 minutes away.

why?

because i supposedly rolled through a stop sign.

he clocked me going through the intersection at 5mph? what does that even MEAN... don't i HAVE to be moving to be going through an intersection? k. sorry i wasn't going EXACTLY 0 mph at the stop sign... i may have been going .5mph, saw no one was coming in either direction and went.

oooooo

f*** that shit.

$109.

fml.

My First Break-in.

keith's parents live 1.5 hours away from me.

theyr'e away for the weekend.

keith is cat sitting for them...

he is at a show in another state tonight.

i wanted to go to the house to spend the evening with my kitty who is living with his parents right now.

plus he needed me to feed the cats for him.

i get here.

i cant open the garage door.

ive opened it before.

couldn't get it open tonight.

either of them.

so i spent an hour trying to pry the screen away from the window.

i used keys... my fingers... i ripped app art an umbrella to use the metal sticks... and i found a broken drumstick shoved into a potted plant outside the house... THATS what did the trick finally.

i had 2 near breakdowns because i was desperate and frustrated.

the *ONLY* thing (im sure the whole thing will be later... but not right now) that was funny was the fact that MY CAT is a little alien.

he knows my car, so when he lived at home with me and he was outside, i would barely pull up to my house and he'd come bolting across the yard.

well same thing happened here.

he heard noise on the window and scared the SH*T outta me cause im staring at a blank window and all of a sudden BAM! theres my cat. all the OTHER cats either didn't care, or were hiding cause i was freaking THEM out...

but not robin.

and it was ADORABLE cause he kept watching what i was doing and then started pawing at the window trying to get it open. if only it would have been that easy. LMAO!!!!!

*ugh*

but im in now (obviously).

Waves.

Hello :D

WAAAAAOOOW. My fiance *MIGHT* be joining a HOE band.

at least thats what i call them.

let me explain.

first, know that im attributing this greatly to the fact that ive been sitting here since 8:30pm (its now 12:24am) or so dealing with a randomly intense-ish anxiety attack and i have *NO* idea why.... so im attributing the following rant to that...


"Today's rant is brought to you by Anxiety: 'Cause everything seems worse with an anxiety attack! *bing!* ::flashes a grin and swings arm in for a thumbs up:: (thats my commercial spot for the day...)

ANYWAY...... hoe band....

when i first met keith he was a member of a pop punkish kinda band, so im used to screaming little 14 -16 year olds screaming about how hot he is while they're standing right next to me with NO CLUE that im his girlfriend (or was... at the time). its cute actually. ...it probably also helped that it was a CHRISTIAN band... so... you know... the chances of hoes coming out of the woodwork were slim to none.... (not that there weren't any.............. thats another story thats not mine to tell because it has to do with another band member...). After them he played with a bunch of alternative country rock type bands... sweet stuff. love it. sure the band's have groupies here and there, but they attract a kind of older crowd... not OLD like grandma old... just... upper twenties through early 40's type deal. again. groupies happen, but not a big deal.

then he played with the blues brotherhood band (while playing with the alt country bands and/or blues bands...) even older crowd still.

the other day he was at the jam at the Sands in Bethlehem and he got scouted by the president of [enter management company here] (i started to write it out, but i thought better about posting it on the WWW. ...nothign is solid so i guess i shouldn't go spreading this shit around unless it falls through... just in case some of the hoe groupies of the band happen to be lurking on weddingbook and are planning on running to the band screaming "OH MY GOD, IS IT TRUE?! lmao! )

ANYWAY............ its this entertainment company that has a bazillion cover bands on their roster... and im talking about high paying gig cover bands that play night clubs and what i like to call "party bars" and this and that and whatever.

well the dude gave keith his card and said he had 2 bands looking for a drummer.

keith's got an audition coming up this week sometime... er, next week actually... (and knowing my lovely husband........to be........ he'll be auditioning THEM as much as they're auditioning him lmao! ...the boy does *not* like to waste his time with worthless projects. if its a dead end gig, they better pay well... if they pay sh*tty, they better not be a dead end gig.... lmao). so anyway (i say that a lot...) i just got done checking out this band...

and i think i had a heart attack.

party band is an accurate term i suppose. HOE band is my affectionate name for bands like these................. they play at places like the ever infamous (to my group of friends anyway, cause we always seem to get into fights there for some reason, even though it NEVER happens ANYWHERE else. ever.) hardware bar. for those of you who don't know what the hardware bar is (and im assuming 98% of you dont...) its like your real life coyote ugly in harrisburg, pa. theres a bar wide enough to dance on and the bartenders will and do. ...and any female patron can just take her little ass on up there and dance till her heart is content. (its all fun and games until some stupid b*tch puts her wine down RIGHT IN FRONT of where you're dancing with POINTED shoes on, which when worn, don't allow you to feel ANYTHING with your toes.... and then you kick it over... get her mostly white dress drenched in red wine.... the spanish chick wants to fight you..... and you're trying to make eye contact with your unobservant fiance who SHOULD be watching you up on the bar in the FIRST place but is staring off into space looking at god knows what.... to get you down of the bar before Mercedes climbs up and beat the ever living SH*T out of you...................... no, im not making that up. i have a funny (to me) yet derrogetory (not to me, cause i own the term... im puerto rican...) name for that almost-fight.)

where was i... i lost my train of thought..... (im sure you did too)... oh yeah. hardware bar... coyote ugly... anyway. that place is SUPER packed all the time. this is the kind of band that plays at THAT kind of bar. you can't move an inch wihtout having drunk dudes hitting on you even with your ring on and your fiance one stool down from you, while you're flagging down the bartender... "im engaged."

"the ring comes off"

"he's RIGHT THERE."

"i bet im better in bed than him..."

"f*** off."

those bars are a MAGNET for hoes and manwhores alike........... and i was watching this promo video for the band and surprise surprise, i recognize the hardware bar........... and one of the last songs of this promo video is "girls girls girls" (that might not be the right title) by .... i dunno who...... and there are TONS of girls (okay... like... 7... or 10....) on the stage... dancing around in their skimpy little................

dear god, my husband......... to be........ might be playing HOE shows every week. MULTIPLE hoe shows. and i won't even be able to GO to most of them.

the groupies he had before... i could deal with.... they weren't REAL groupies.........

THESE are real groupies. *REAL*. *GROUPIES*.

i trust him. i really really do........ but it kinda makes me uncomfortable to think about him constantly flogged by a bunch of hot skinny bitches that just wanna jump on his d***.

heaven for him, im sure... mr. "i never get hit on by girls..."

a nightmare for me. cause half those bitches don't even CARE if you're THERE with him. dear god, i was in a situation before i was 21 when he played a show with some of our friends, just for fun... a one time thing... and some girls were hitting on him while he was having a drink upstairs and he even pointed me out over the railing (there was a balcony overlooking the downstairs stage and dance floor) and told her he was with me and she STILL hit on him. hoe.

im not saying *EVERYONE* that goes to those places is a hoe... so don't get all huffy... i mean... *I* go sometimes (clearly), and *IM* not a hoe... but you can't deny that 80% of the clientele.... kinda is.

like i said... i trust my FH 100%, without a doubt........... but it still makes me nervous.

sorry for the rant.

---

where art thou, my magnolia mountain?

my nerves are shot.
my patients is dead.
my temper is rampant.
Lord have mercy on me and give me the strength, the will, and the composure i need to continue. Amen.

i can't believe how incredibly worn out i am. i knew it was gonna be rough, but i didn't realize that it was gonna be THIS rough... and the thing is... physically its not hard at all. not one little bit. but it is WAY way more emotionally taxing than i could have ever imagined.

im so jaded.

im tired of fighting. im tired of not caring, and im tired of caring too much at the same time. it gets old, REAL quick.

im tired of pretending to be able to do something that i was never meant to do. look at me! i've NEVER been an even tempered person. sure, i know how to bite my tounge once in a while, but it'll come out sooner or later. ...and the later it comes out... the more intense it is.

i wanna find that place again that allows for interaction, but leaves me, happily, to my own devices at the same time. this is most definitely not that place.

ive been there before... and it wasn't even the most ideal situation, but i was happy none the less.

sure you "always have those people", but the position that ive been put in doesn't allow for me to gracefully handle "those people" the way im used to........ which is not at all. i never had to before... the way i delt with them was simply to pretend they weren't there... and i could do that because there was no required reason for me TO care whether or not they even existed.

sure, there was even that one person... that one person who....... well, now that i think about it, is very similar to a current one, albeit she was milder in ways. but as much as i loathed her presents, i never once felt traped. i schemed... i schemed a lot, for my own entertainment... maybe for a little ill-willed vengance, but never once did i feel traped. and if i wanted (and i did some times), i could just ignore her being there, and all would be fine.

i can't do that now.

and i hate it.

i hate every living, breathing second of it.

what i hate even more is that because of who i am... im being forced to keep it bottled... to bite my tounge harder... and THAT makes for a stronger reaction later, and a longer recovery time. ...and harboring animosity... that too... this is a breading ground for that.

...so very ungodly of me.

i dont know how to deal... how am i gonna make it through? ive been torn down and stripped to nothing and i feel raw and numb and... traped.

the restlessness, the lack of appetite, the sleeplessness, the butterflies and shakiness... its not just a mear annoyance anymore.

my threshold for tollerance has been crossed. it was pressed up against for a very long time, but now its finally busted wide open and overflowed and...

i wish keith were here... or i was there. i need somewhere to lay my head down and someone to hold me so tight that i can't shake when i cry. i need someone to kiss me and tell me its all okay and that it wont last long, and i need someone to wipe the tears away and love me fiercely until i finally calm.

i know he'd do that for me.

i just wish he were here.

EFF my life!

...my stupid effing life. (this story would look shorter if the spacing was different so don't let that scare you TOO much)

so i just got done telling this story to a friend... and i decided to share it with all of you... so you all can see how ironic my life is... (actually you're not going to really see the irony in it like i do, most likely... but you'll see the reason for the "eff my life") ... if it seems choppy its cause i copy/pasted it out of a chat so bare with me.

the other day i left work. on my way home i was 2 cars behind this mini-van

they slowed to a stop with their left turning signal on, right?

and the car in front of me passes them on the right side, on the shoulder... you know... like normal people do

so i start to do the same thing and all of a sudden the van jerks RIGHT and the suddenly STOPS...

so now i have 3 options.

1. swerve into the left hand lane to avoid a collision

2. try to pass them on the right anyway even though that MIGHT either a. result in me going up the hill a bit and flipping b. HITTING the hill and totaling my car c. hitting their van cause now its on an angle or d. making it through fine.

3. slamming on my breaks and HOPING i dont rear end them

ok so option 1 was out immediately.

not really keen on the whole jumping into oncoming traffic idea especially since i couldn't see (or didnt have time to look) if anyone was coming

i thought about option 2 for a hot second but all the negative sub-options outweighed the postive.... so scratch that

so i SLAMMED on my breaks and thought to myself "oh jesus are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

(pretty awesome though process for a literally .02 second decision, no? ALLLL of that went through my head before i hit the break and it only took me half a second to do so)

so anyway after "are you fucking kidding me" i bumped the back of their car... they started moving right away which makes me think they saw it coming and TRIED to move out of the way, but they were in no way fast enough

so now im sitting in my car going (this time a prayer not a curse) "Jesus will you PLEASE cut me a fucking break" (jesus will forgive me for swearing, i was stressed)

because NOW.....

im VERY much aware of the fact (actually i was half aware of this while hitting the break, but i didnt have time to FULLY think of it until i found out if i was gonna hit or not)

..... im very aware of the fact that i DON'T have my insurance card in the car AND im driving with a 2-week expired license.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

so anyway...

they pull forward so we're not in the intersection anymore

and i back up so IM not anymore

and they get out of their van... an indian couple from out of state.

im sitting in my car looking desperately for my phone just in case i have to call home for someone to pull up my insurance or.... i dont even fucking know, i just knew i might need it for SOMETHING.

took me a minute to find that since it flew out of my lap. then i fished around my glove compartment PRAYING that MAAAAAAAYBE i DID remember to print out my insurance card some where along the way..... to no avail

and i thought about grabbing my license but then this little voice in my head said, "wait a minute... don't grab anything... maybe... JUST maybe they wont... you know.... care...."

so i sat up and they're staring at my car, not moving

i dunno WHAT they were wating for

obviously THEY weren't going to make the first move.

so i get out and walk up to them and go "are you guys okay?"

"yes"

then they ask "are you okay?"

"im fine."

awkward pause as i finish my approach

"so uh...... you guys had your left turning signal on and you went right................."

all of a sudden this woman launches into this defense about nto knowing which way they were supposed to go... they though left, but it was right... and she goes "well you saw how that one car passed me...." and i said "yeah... they PASSED you cause you were going LEFT.... and IIII was gonna pass you TOO cause you were going LEFT!"

and she goes "but i turned my right signal on... see!" and she points to her right blinker.....

at which point i say "no... your 4-WAYS are on..... SEE?" and i point to her left blinker

and she shoots a look at her husband and goes "you turned them all on?!" and he goes "yeah, we had to pull over..."

and i said "it doesnt matter... even if you DID turn on your right signal, you did it AS you were moving... there was no way in hell i would have had enough time to see the change and i still woulda hit you either way."

the who time her husband is agreeing with me and she finally gives up and he goes "well theres no damage to our car... just a little scratch but we dont care"

and they're looking at my car... which has damage from a previous accident which is what they were looking at horrified.... and i said "my car is fine... that thing on the hood is from something else"

and he goes "okay... well.... awkward pause ........ we're good."

"yep.... me too"

"okay"

"okay"

nods

"have a good day."

i RUN to my car, jump in and drive away

phew

...

now wait

im not done yet..............

lmao

here's the FUCKING KICKER

i was on my way to work this morning.

same fucking street jsut further up

the off ramp is one of those weird ramps that put you almost paralell to where you're going so you almost have to look back behind you to see oncoming traffic in your lane (at least i do... i dont trust my mirror for that)

so... 2 cars ahead of me pulls out

and the car directly ahead of me follows

and i turn back to look at the oncoming traffic as the car ahead of me pulls out

and when i see im clear i step on the gas and BAM

immediate though as my cheek hits my steering wheel BEFORE i turn my head to look "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! *AGAIN*?!"

and i look... sure enough... the car in front of me had NOT ACTUALLY pulled out.

i never turned back around to make sure they were ACTUALLY gone

great.

same thing as before... get out of our cars... my car is fine.. their car may or may not have a few scratches

they're kids this time

probably younger than me

she calls daddy

im ALREADY late for work

she tries to tell him everything is fine

i hear her say something about police and i just about SHIT myself

cause... you know... my license is expired, fuck the fact tha ti dont have my insurance card.

she gets off the phone and turns out no police is getting called cause she convinced him everythign is fine and she cant find anything really wrong with the car

BUT they want my insurance info and shit

so im like "sure"

and in my head im going "good god, you're gonna have to help me out with this one"

and i walk back to my car like i have everythign in need little filing cabinets waiting for me

and i open the glove box and i see this white paper.

NOT my insurance card.

BUT.

it was my papers from inspection last year with my information ON IT

(hallelujah)

and i did that and shit and ugh

mess dude

apparently her dad opened up a claim

got a call from my insurance company

the kids are complaining of neck pain ::rolls eyes::

dude i slammed my cheek on the steering wheel... .its not bruised... it doesnt even HURT.... i didnt HIT them that hard. i was like a foot behind them before i hit htem... it had to be like 3 mph at MOST... IF that.

but whatever

the insurance guy was nice and could tell i probably sounded a bit panicky haha

and he was like "you've got full coverage... your medical is this much and your... whatever... is this much... if she DOES end up claming the tiny little neck injury, you're gonna be fine... and their car sounds like it might only need a couple strokes of paint so... that'll end up being covered too"

in my mind (great! ... cant wait to see what my premium gets jacked to though)

::shrugs:: whatever dude.

but seriously

2 DAYS apart

accident.

fml

the world is falling apart around me.

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